My wieght keeps going up. I am at 295 again. I am so uncomfortable. I am out of breath most of the time. When I sit, my fat gut takes up the room that I need to breath. I come home from work, and I have to sleep right away - before anything else, even food.
Each night I feel better. But the last 4 days I have seen a pattern. Emily loaned my a DVD set of the first season of "The Big Bang Theory". I love the show. In fact, I craved it. I would watch 5 episodes at a time - couldn't stop.
Today, I let my mind wander with the question - what do I want? I got 2 answers.
The first was water. I stopped wearing diapers this week. That was a msitake. To avoid having an accident, I cut way back on water. This was subconscious. I realized it when I saw an image of the water bottles I have at work. I recalled the image and counted the bottles - 6. There were 12 on Monday. I have only drank 1 bottle of water a day at work. I usually drink 3 or 4 a day while at work. Ao I have been forcing myself to drink tonight - and I feel better. Earlier today my gas was so bad - another reminder that I have been neglecting water.
The other is stimulus. I need creative stimulus. That's what I liked about the "Big Bang" series. My desire was unfocused. All I knew was SciFi. THen i knew it was the SciFi channel. I went to SciFi.com - then I remembered - Eureka - one of my favorite shows. I watched 5 episodes tonight, plus one of "Sancutary". I feel so alive. It is like I have goose bumps all the time. I hear a high pitched ringing in my ears. I have a general feeling of well being, except in my stomach.
I left work depressed today. It hit me really hard. very fast. Those thoughts of "Nothing I am doing is workthwhile". I caught myself in them right away, and came right home after 4 hours of work - and slept for 60 minutes. I felt so much better. Those thoughts are not true. Everything I do is worth while. Each breath - precious.
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